Of Magazines and Squashy Chairs
by Loonymoon
Summary: Remus Lupin visits his psychologist. Slash and Spoiler warning.
1. Default Chapter

**Of Magazines and Squashy Chairs**

Summary: Remus Lupin visits his psychologist. Slash and Spoiler warning.

            A man entered the small waiting room, shaking his umbrella. It was an unbelievably cold and rainy day for July. The people who normally came in t-shirts were now in raincoats and sweaters, all hunched, sniffing in there squashy chairs, trying to stay away from the roaring air-conditioning that had been left on. The man shook the raindrops out of his soft brown hair, brushed them off his jacket, and took a seat next to a old woman who was mumbling to herself.

            He scanned the semi-empty waiting room. An iron coat hanger was the only decoration in the room. A small, cheap-looking table held a few magazines, which, he noticed, were several years old. The lady at the desk was talking away fervently to her boyfriend. There was one door to the left that seemed so gray and ominous. A lopsided sign read, Dr. Treneski, Psychologist.

            Within seconds a woman came out of the door clutching a tissue box, and there Dr. Treneski stood, in all her muggle glory, standing erect. "Lupin, Remus," she said into the room, square glasses poised on her nose.

            The man stood shyly. Faint recognition outlined the doctor's emotionless face. "Ah, Mr. Lupin. How…er… nice it is to see you again…" Apparently she remembered the last time he was here. He could practically smell the apprehension. "Come in, please, and sit down."

            He obeyed. He laid on the couch in the all-too-familiar setting.

            The doctor sat, unsteadily in her armchair next to him and let out a slow sigh. "If this about your lycanthropy, then I must insist for the final time: Werewolves don't exist." She said flatly.

            Remus lifted the back of his hand to his forehead. "No, doctor, this isn't about my lycanthropy," He said softy, regretting ever mentioning that fact.

            "Oh," she said relieved, "I apologize."

            Remus swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "My best friend, who I've known since I was eleven… he… he…"

            "Yes?"

            "He's gone."

            "I see," the doctor scribbled something on her clipboard.

            "I think I'm fine, but my friend's think I'm clinically depressed."

            "What do you think?"

            "I'm here to prove them wrong."

            Dr. Treneski folded her legs and looked at him reprovingly. "Mr. Lupin, most of the time people become depressed because they are hiding strong emotions. Emotions that can sometimes be painful. But these emotions are necessary for growth."

            "I'm not hiding anything."

            "Have you had any time for mourning, a funeral? A wake?"

            "No, he had no funeral."

            She raise an eyebrow. "He didn't? Why not?"

            "He couldn't afford one."

            "What about the body?"

            "Hmm?"

            "I said: what about the body?"

            Remus coughed loudly. "There was no body, he died in a fire."

            She resumed writing in her clipboard; he shifted nervously. "So you haven't really had a time for mourning, have you?"

            "Yes I have. I've been crying for a week."

            "Well, sometimes crying isn't enough. You need to come to terms with his death,  reflect on times together, and accept that it was his time to go."

            A fire was growing in his chest. "I'm trying," he said in a low growl.

            "Why don't you tell me about this person, your favorite qualities about him, how much time you shared together…?"

            Remus Lupin took a low, deep breath,  "His name was Sirius Black, and I loved him very much…"


	2. Shut Up

A/n: Hello, peeps I'm just here to tell you all that I have no idea where this story is going, and if you have any ideas, please let me know. And thanks to the-majick-one-ara for reviewing!

**Chapter 2: Shut up:**

****

Dr. Treneski looked at her watch impatiently and tried to focus on what the lunatic was saying, but her attention span wasn't lasting very long, considering her rumbling stomach and the memory of a chicken sandwich in her lunch bag. Her patient was mumbling something about being in love with an escaped convict, which she was sure was a lie.

"I loved everything about him. His eyes, his hair, his spontaneous personality, his laugh. I just loved _him…_"

The Doctor tapped her foot and pretended to write down something but really she was drawing a picture of a demented werewolf. Remus went on to describe how beautiful Sirius was when the sunlight hit his face, and a number of equally boring things. The doctor liked things this way, when the patient just talked and she didn't have to do anything. _Not like that other guy, Snave, was it? But geeze this guy has been going on for fifteen minutes…_

"And when he gave me kisses in the moonlight and told me I wasn't a monster…"

The doctor blinked awake, "Wait… What?"

Remus covered his mouth shyly.

"You're gay?"

He nodded, his mouth suddenly dry.

Dr, Treneski tightened her lips and wrote some notes on her clipboard, "I see." _Why are the cute ones always gay? _She thought inwardly.

Remus fell silent this time, blushing timidly, "Sirius was my lover."

"Why did you lie?"

He squirmed, "It's not something I want public… I mean… I love Sirius, but I have enough problems as it is without being called gay…"

"You must've had problems in your youth."

"What do you mean?"

She pushed her glasses up the rim of her nose, "I mean the complicated childhood, adolescent confusion, the feeling of always being segregated…"

"Oh, yeah I've been through that, sure," He closed his eyes, "but it was worth it."

---- FLASHBACK----

Sirius pressed his mouth against his lover's smooth chest, lips lingering over his faint scars. Remus was in ecstasy. Even with the silence charm on his curtains, he dared not let his moans of pleasure rise above a whisper. "Sirius" he hissed softly into the cold night air. Sirius left a wet trail of kisses along his neck, until he reached his chin, and his sexy demeanor stopped abruptly.

"Remus?" he whimpered as he held the helpless body.

"Mmm?" Remus asked, almost angry that he stopped.

"Do you think this is right?"

"What? Of course it's right, Sirius…"

"I mean…" he bit his lip, "do you think this is _right?"_

Remus was quite taken aback by this question, "Since when did you care?"

"I dunno. Since my mother said that it was a sin that I'm in love with a guy. And God will smite me." Remus laughed, "It's not funny, Remus! We're gonna be smote!"

"Sirius, God's not going to smite us, and here's why: because I love you and you love me, and we make each other happy. Since when did God say it was wrong to love someone?"

"Since incest?"

"Bullshit! Adam and Eve were brother and sister, weren't they?"

"I guess so."

There was a pause, "You do _love_ me, don't you," asked Remus, sounding hurt.

Sirius broke into an ecstatic grin. "Of course! How could anyone not love such a sensitive," he stroked his chest, "sweet," he kissed his lips, "sexy," he teased the hairs underneath his navel, "werewolf?"

He lay his head on Remus' shoulder, still brushing the small hairs in his chest, " I just don't want to get smote."

Remus, then, convinced that Sirius needed cheering up, pulled himself on top of him, and tickled him until he was fully aroused. "So what? So what if God smites me? I love you, and that's worth dying for."

Sirius looked up at him, smiling, yet eyes full of tears. He pulled him into an embrace. "I love you so much, Remus!" he whispered into his ear. "…Now let's have sex."

"Ug, Sirius, you ruined it!"

"What?"

"The moment! The I-love-you moment!"

"… what, so you don't want to have sex?"

"No, I do, but that's not the point!"

"What _is_ the point?"

"Urg…"

"What'd I say?"

"Just shut up and kiss me, you big oaf!"

======== Back to the Future========

"Erm… Mr. Lupin? …Mr. Lupin?" Dr. Treneski waved her hand over his eyes.

"Mmm?"

"Your half an hour is up."

"Oh," he said, awkwardly. He got up to leave the room. Dr. Treneski dashed in her desk and pulled out her chicken sandwich.

A/N: I WILL WRITE MORE to this if you guys want me to. It depends on if people like the story so far. So, please R&R.


	3. I Hate You

**Chapter 3: I hate you**

When Remus came back to headquarters that afternoon, he was greeted by two eager females who, Remus thought guilt fully as he lifted an armful of groceries, had probably been waiting for him since morning. The rain had stopped but there was a hot mist that hung over everything, making him feel extraordinarily sleepy.

            "Hello, ladies," he acknowledged dully.

            The two women were none other than Tonks and Mr. Weasley. They both looked worried (at least, Tonks was as worried looking as you could look with pink hair). They treated him like an old man who might fall at any moment and break his hip.

            "Can I get the groceries for you, dear?"

            "How was the doctor? Was she nice?"

            "Come in, dear. Please don't trip over the umbrella stand again, Tonks!"

            They looked at him with pitying eyes that read, "I'm sorry about, Sirius." Remus began to loath this company, he wished they would stop staring at him like he was dying.

            …Even if he _was _dying…

            They entered the house and put the items away. Finally all of them sat at the kitchen table. Remus drew on the table with his index finer and tried not to look up at the sympathetic faces. "So how was it, Remus," Tonks said, breaking the misty silence.

            "Lousy, she wasn't even listening half the time…She told me I had to 'accept' his death by 'reflecting' on times together. I think she just wanted to hear me talk."

            "But, you do feel better, don't you?"

            "No, Molly, I really don't. In fact, I feel worse."

            The misty silence came back over the table until it was broken, again, by Tonks. "Hey, I've got an idea," she said with strained enthusiasm, "Perhaps you could write a letter!" 

            "A letter, for what?"

            "For _Sirius!_"

            "Wha?"

            "And you could say all the things that you needed to say, tie up all the loose ends. And then when you're done, we'll take it to the Ministry of Magic, and go to that Veil-thing and we'll float it through! It will be like a good-bye-for-now!"

            Remus closed his eyes, "Tonks, that is the most pathetically romantic thing I've ever heard."

            "So you'll do it?"

            He sighed in resignation, "I suppose."

            She hugged him a bit too passionately. "It will make you feel better! I promise!" She then ran out of the room, sobbing like a maniac.

            Mr. Weasley smiled faintly, "She likes you, you know…"

            "I know. I can't be hers though; I'm Sirius'"

            "But if you just give her a chance…"

            "It's not like I'm just being stubborn!" He winced harshly, "Werewolves mate for life. I'm mated to Sirius for life. Besides, I'm gay. She's a sweet girl, but I can't love her in that way. She'll find someone that will make her happy, some young man, you'll see…"

            "I know, dear, it's just been hard for her, working in the Order and all… she hardly dates anymore. She really does love you…"

            "I'm not saying I don't care about her. But she's like, a teenage _daughter_ to me. She's a good girl… she'll find someone. I pray sometimes for her to find someone…"

            Behind, Remus' back, Tonks was listening behind the door with tears in her eyes.

            "I think I'll take her advice though. It's rather romantic…"

            With that Remus turned to leave, and found Tonks' hiding place. There she cried and ran upstairs, shrieking "I HATE YOU!"

            It sent chills up Remus' spine. "Wait! Please wait!" He ran up the stairs after her, behind a closed bedroom door, she was sobbing. "Tonks please don't do this. You're only hurting yourself. I only want what's best for you, and that's not me."                                               "I hate you," was whispered in-between sobs, "I hate you!"

            "I love you. And if I could be that someone for you I would but…" His thoughts went to Sirius' laugh, his smell when he woke up in the morning…

             "Please don't hate me," he implored, "I would hate me to if I were you, but…I love Sirius. And I'm not going to get over him any time soon. I don't _want_ to get over him. It may be sad. But, please pull through, honey."            

            She opened the door. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and she was pouting at him like a little girl. He hugged her like a daughter. "You're going to be alright, honey, you have the rest of your life to find that someone. I'm already taken."                                                 She sniffed. "I'm sorry. I just…"

            "Don't be sorry, love, it's alright."

:-:-:-:-:-:-3:-:-:-:-:-:-:

            About an hour later, Remus sat at his desk with a blank piece of parchment in front of his eyes. He promised Tonks he'd do it, but the weight of loss was getting heavier in his chest. He tried to not think of how it was a letter to no one. He pretended Sirius was alive; it seemed to ease the pain.

            He dipped his quill into the ink and began.

            _To my loving Sirius,_

A/N: How do you like, so far? Up next: Remus' letter to no one. And why is Snape in Dr. Treneski's office?

            I'm still not sure about the plot and stuff, basically I'm just showing snippets of Remus and Sirius' lives together. I need reviews to give me writing energy! Please, Pretty-Please Review!


	4. I Hate Me Too

Ink was dried onto his fingertips. He leaned so close to the yellow parchment that a little dot of ink was on the tip of his nose. His hand was scrawling so fast that his muscles ached. _With love Forever, _he wrote, _your patient Moony. _And with that he set his quill down and stretched his back like a cat. He was finally done. He had been working on it for nearly a week. Twenty-two cramped pages lay on his desk, he paused a moment to let it dry. _He'll like it, I think, _he thought, _if he'll hold still long enough to read the whole thing. Maybe I went a little overboard…_

He had spent the time talking about their love and friendship, talking about memories he had, talking about how he wish he was with him, and how he'd wait forever just to see and hold him again. Tonks had a good idea. Going through that maybe was the thing he needed, just as Dr. Treneski said. He took a deep sigh, feeling refreshed and happy. He couldn't wait for Sirius to read it.

But then, after so much toil, a realization dawned on him.

He'll never read it.

He can't read it.

He's dead.

He just stared dumbly at his desk. For a few moments, he had let his mind slip from reality, forgetting Sirius had fallen, thinking that he would send the letter with his owl and it would fly to him and Buckbeak out on some beach far away. That temporary nostalgia had made him so happy. It was like he was drugging himself to believe that Sirius was just away on a trip and would be back in a month or so.

_But that's not true. He is dead. And I'll be without him the rest of my life._

His hands clenched his weeping visage, fingertips blackening his face with the mixture of ink and tears. He whispered into the indifferent air, "Come home to me, Padfoot!" He howled into the empty room, "Why did you have to go where I can't follow?!"

A villainous, evil voice, the voice of the wolf, echoed inside his mind…

_Can't you?_

He eyed the quill innocently lying on his desk.

Doubtless he found himself back in that familiar setting of magazines and squashy chairs. He had thought about committing suicide. That was the first time. But it wasn't the last. A steak knife, a staple gun, a garage and a car, anything became a possible weapon. He didn't share these thoughts with anyone, although he cut himself with the quill, but backed out of suicide at the last second, and the marks made Tonks and Mrs. Weasley eye him strangely. After a while he decided that if the temptation was too great, he would have to get help. He had to learn to live without Sirius.

He had gone through the same thing, years ago, when James and Lily died and Sirius was sent to Azkaban. He had survived then, but only just. He messed around with drugs and men. He had become the shell of a man, and when Sirius came back, it rekindled that spark that had long since been gone. He wanted that spark, and he didn't want to be a shell like he formerly was. That was why he was so focused on killing himself.

That was also why he was here again, after telling himself never to come back. It was another moist July day, and the doctor wasn't in the greatest of moods. "Lupin, Remus. Here again, I see…"

They went in and sat, Remus lying on the sofa, tensely. "Is this about your lover's dea…" she began.

"Itryokilmsef." He blurted.

"Er… come again?"

He coughed loudly, and tried to stay calm. "I tried to kill myself."

Her face didn't flinch. Her eyes didn't widen. "You too, eh?"

He stared.

"Everybody's been trying to do that these days. It's like a bloody fad. I was talking to a girl who wanted to kill herself just because she listened to Metallica too much." He twitched a smile. "I understand how depression feels like, and how loneliness feels like, Mister Lupin, but trying to take your own life is uncalled for. Sometimes, people just don't believe that life is worth living. That's ok, but you only get one chance…" She sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm just sick of it…"

Remus eyed the carpet. "I just… I just want to be with him." He defended.

She rubbed her eyes, and played with the papers on her clipboard. "I'm prescribing you an anti-depressant. It's called Zodof. It's 100miligrams a day, with food," she handed him the slip. "It will prevent chemicals in your brain from not functioning right, or something…"

He took the paper, and left her office hesitantly, without her saying goodbye.

In the waiting room he found a familiar black sight.

Severus Snape?

A/N: I wrote this kina quickly… Iftheirs mistakes I is sorRy.

Yeah, Zodof is a rip off Zoloft. Poop on them. Please review, cause I like this story. Flames will be used to grill hotdogs.


	5. What's wrong with you?

Chapter Five: What's wrong with you? 

Utter silence filled the room. Snape and Lupin stared fixedly at each other.

The doctor coughed, "Um… Snake, Senvillus, you're next please…"

Severus took a break from his staring contest to roll his eyes, "Severus Snape. Severus Snape is my name! You'd think after a year…"

"Why are you at my doctor's?" Remus whispered venomously.

"Your doctor's? So, she's not my doctor anymore, she's yours?"

Dr. Treneski intervened, "Sevourous, your appointment…"

"Why wouldn't you go to St. Mugos?" Remus asked.

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Because, I'm a… a… you know what I am…"

"Well, I have my own reasons to come here, thank you very much."

"Oh, really?"

Severus snuffed indignantly, "Yes, really. And it's really none of your business why I ask for mental aid. I assure you that I have a better reason than my lover dieing." Remus held a shocked expression, "What's that? Can't deal with it by yourself? Need prescriptions to make your life better? Hmm? Well, I bet Sirius would have liked that. Shoving pills down your throat before even trying…"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Remus exploded, on the brink of tears.

The doctor was so shocked that instead of restraining them, she watched in awe. Thank God no one was in the room, except the Secretary who was listening to loud music.

"Why do you always have to injure other people to make yourself feel better? Does it feel _good_, knowing that you helped take away my best friends? Does it _satisfy_ you when you know that I'm suffering? Well, if it does, then you ARE the sick freak that James said you were. I should have never felt sorry for you!"

"Oh, that's nice. All I was going to say was welcome to Dr. Treneski's office, and I hope everything's going to work out."

Remus' breathing calmed, but after a few moments he concluded, "No you weren't."

"No, your right, I wasn't."

"Gah, I knew it!"

"But it made your feel better, didn't it?"

"I suppose."

The doctor finally closed her mouth, which had remained open as if she was watching the tele, and she returned to normal. "Severus, your appointment…" she said feebly.

His dark eyes suddenly lit up with a child-like joy, "You said my name right!"

"That's right Mr. Snepe. If you'd just step this way…"

And Remus was left alone, prescription in hand.

A/N: Ur… yeah, this chapter was short, YAY SNOW DAYS! Anyways, next chapter, Remus talks to Harry, will he understand or is he terribly homophobic? More flashbacks! If you review I will give tidings of great joy!

What are tidings anyway?


	6. What's wrong with me?

**Chapter Six: What's wrong with me?**

Remus remained alone on his bed, in the gray early morning of another July day. He sat, child-like hugging his knees around his chest, glaring at the bottle of pills on his desk. Zodof. 100 miligrams a day. Twice a day. Ingest with food. Keep away from sunlight. May cause severe headaches. Do not take with alcohol. May cause diarrhea. May reduce the activity of birth control pills. He had memorized the bottle. Now he just had to start taking them.

Was he ready for this? He turned his shaggy head to see the other half of his bed. A white, empty crevice lay in the soft linen sheets, where the mattress had been attuned to Sirius' sleeping form, and now, even after he died, the gap had still remained that fit his body and his body alone.

He bit his lip, willing himself not to cry again. He felt so much like the bed. Hollow and empty and alone… "Sirius…" he whispered again, as if somewhere within the confines of his room he could hear him. "I'm so sorry. But I have to do this. I tried to do it by myself. But the pain is so much… Sirius… I miss you so much… you promised me… you promised you would never leave me alone again…"

And for a few moments he was swallowed up by memories…

It was another July day, some years ago. Only this one wasn't wet or dreary. James had the three of them over his house for a slumber party. A lake nearby soon became riotous and noisy from the sounds of the boys laughing and splashing into the water. James made an excellent dive off of the high cliff. Sirius came afterward. Remus remembered how his taunt muscled on his arms and legs came perfectly into place. This was before he realized he was attracted to Sirius, but he found himself blushing nonetheless. Peter, who decided not to rival with Sirius and James' mastery of diving, settled for a cannonball, which formed a tsunami so large that Sirius could body surf. Remus just jumped, forming no structure as his limbs came tumbling down. A clash of splashing and water fights ensued, going down into history as the Great Battle of the Gulf Day One. It was a fierce victory, where James became a Napoleon of sorts. Sirius was a close second.

Sirius and Remus grudgingly signed the Treaty of Pomegranate, which entitled the Victor(James) to be declared "The High and Mighty King of the Waters," and made the Unfortunate(the losers) pay him a deserved debt of one dare for each.

"Alas, victory is Mine!" James shouted triumphantly.

"We'll see what happens tomorrow, Mister High and Mighty King of the Waters," Sirius snuffed.

"Haha! Well now I can make you do whatever I want!"

It was no surprise that Peter's mom made him come home early.

Later, that night though, they got theirs.

James snickered in his golden-snich pj's and blue fluffy sleeping bag. "S-Sirussss," he started, hissing with laughter, "I dare you, to drink out of the toilet…"

"Oh that's no problem!" He said ready transform.

"While your human."

Sirius eyes widened, but Remus just laughed, "Ah, c'mon James… I mean… the High and Mighty King of the Waters… that's the best you can think of?"

James' eyebrows pinched. Sirius, went over to the bathroom, gagging, "James, I'm soooo glad your mom actually _cleans_," before sinking his head lower and licking up a scoop of the disgusting liquid. "ARG!" out came the toothbrush and toothpaste and scope. James was having a fit.

"Sirius, _seriously_," Remus intervened, making James laugh harder, "It's the same water that comes out of the faucet."

"Really?" the toothbrush came out.

"Really."

He was silent for a few seconds. "I don't believe you." He went on brushing.

"Now, yours, Moony, will be a lot more harsh, since you denied my ability to conduct proper dares."  
"Oh yeah?"

He thought, eyes glazed over, scratching his chin like a politician. Sirius washed his mouth out and sat down on his green sleeping bag, James eyes watched him all the way, suddenly gleaming with mischief. "Ohhoho…" he hummed to himself, " Hmmm… that's perfect. Moony, I dare you to kiss Sirius Black on the lips. FRENCHY!"

"No way, I'm not snogging Remus!" Sirius huffed.

"Besides, that would be my first _real _kiss!"

Sirius turned incredoulously, eyeing him as if he was speaking Japanese, "You've never kissed anyone before?!"

"No…"

"James that's not fair, he's never kissed anyone before, that would be like-ruining his first kiss!"

He sighed, playing with his nails, "Either that or you have to eat a hundred Pomegranates in one night."

"But that's impossible!" Remus whimpered.

"Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?"

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and said, "Alright, I'll do it."

Sirius licked his lips tensely. Remus then gave him a peck.

"NO! NO! I SAID FRENCHY!!!!!!!" James demanded.

Remus let out a frustrated sigh, "Okay… okay…" Remus and Sirius stared nervously into each other's eyes. He slowly moved his head forward, still open eyed, and crashed his lips to his. It was soft and stiff at first, until he felt a tongue against his bottom lip. He gasped and closed his eyes, feeling the minty warmth of his breath on his own mouth. His heart quickened as his friend plunged his tongue deeper, making his body quiver. Instead of turning away, as the normal, rational Remus would have done, he pushed into his touch, desperate for warmth and wetness and… oh God! Remus licked his top lip affectionately. Their tongues became entangled as they both pushed deeper. It was getting hard to breath. Remus suddenly tensed, that wasn't the only thing that was getting hard…

"Uh… guys… you can stop now…" He heard James laugh.

But Sirius didn't stop. He brushed the back of Remus' hair, resulting in a soft moan of pleasure from his best friend. The smoothness of Sirius' lips was intoxicating. He wanted to drink all of him in.

"GUYS! It's been three minutes! You can stop now!"

They suddenly pulled apart. Remus turned his face away from the two of them, wiping the spit off of his mouth. James eyes were wide and accusing. Sirius just smiled and shrugged, "Hey, man it was his first kiss… I wanted to make it enjoyable…"

"Enjoyable? I was ready to get out my camera! This was getting to be like a porn!"

He laughed, "Sorry, I guess I went a little overboard."

"A LITTLE?"

Remus couldn't take it. He got up and locked himself in the bathroom.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

"You traumatized him!" James accused.

"I'm sorry, Moony, I didn't think I'd get that out of hand…" Sirius laughed. There was no response. "Jeese, Moony, are you sure that you've never kissed anyone before? Cause that was really good… I knew there was a sex fiend behind those books, eh, Moony?" No Response. "I know I probably freaked you out. But don't worry, I'm not a… a…" he lowered his voice to a whisper, "a _queer _or anything. I know you aren't either, so then I thought it would be ok to show you a few tricks…" Silence continued. "Remus?"

Finally a soft, cracking voice answered, "Yes?"

"Do you hate me?"

"No, Padfoot, I don't."

"Good, because I don't know what I'd do if you hated me… I-I need you, Moony. And I know sometimes I do stupid things… but…"

James snickered, "Do you need me too, Paddy?"

"Shut up, James, I'm serious!"

"I know you're Sirius."

"STOP!"

"What did I do?"

"I'm trying to be SENTIMENTAL here!"

"Oh, Jeeze well if you want to make out again, I'll leave…" he said, stepping out the door, "I'm going to make popcorn, I'll be back in a few minutes, all right?"

Sirius sighed deeply as he shut the door behind him. "Why are you hiding, Moony?" he asked at last.

"Because I'm scared."

"Of me?"

"No, of me…"

"What do you mean?"

"I… I think I'm… I think you…Sirius… I liked it…"

Sirius emitted a bark-like laugh, "Of course you did, I'm one of the best kissers of Hogwarts!" Remus was silent for a few seconds. "And… you know what? I think I liked it too."

"Really? Well doesn't that make us homos?"

"No, because you're my best friend!"

"…and how does that make sense in the mind of Sirius Black?"

"I'm allowed to love you if you're my best friend. I mean, you're supposed to love your friends, right? Well I love you! And you're my friend, so it works out!"

"Really, you love me?"

He nodded eagerly "Do you know, sometimes I wish… don't tell this to James… I wish that we could die together. Because I don't think that I could handle not having you around me… you're my reason, sometimes… to not give up… And when I die, I want to take you with me, and we'll discover heaven together… and we'll be together forever…wouldn't it be nice? I'll do it… Remus… I won't leave you ever, I promise!"

Tears rolled down young Remus' face, "I love you too, Sirius."

And tears were also burning Remus' skin years later. The hollow sheets were wet with his tears, the pain and gratitude burning in his chest. He lay on top of the hollow side of his bed, trying to smell the last traces of his lover. He had to do it. He had to. He needed to be with Sirius… he was nothing without him…

The door opened.

A teenage figure clutched the letter he wrote to no one. His eyes were accusing.

It was Harry.

A/N: yeah, sorry I lied… NEXt chapter has Harry in it, mmmybad. Forgive me with a review.


	7. Traumatized

**Chapter Seven: Traumatized**

Remus rolled off the bed landing with a violent thud on the ground. All twenty-two pages of his letter were stuffed in Harry's hand. His breath quickened as he panicked on the cold floor. _He's found out! He'll probably never talk to me again!_

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

Remus felt a sting on the rim of his eyes. "Harry… please try to understand… your godfather and I… we…"

"YOU"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALL THIS TIME AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST _TOLD_ ME?!!!!"

"I understand if you think its weird," Remus got up, hands first like a crab, "but… I loved Sirius… and if you hate me for it… then…"

"HATE YOU? Why would I do that?" Harry asked, turning from raging to inquisitive.

"Well because we're… you know…"

"Oh! I don't hate you at all… I'm just pissed because no one _told_ me."

"Sirius didn't think you were ready."

"Well, it's not like I didn't _suspect _it. Jeese, the way you looked at each other, you would have thought the other was Marilyn Monroe! The noises from upstairs! The fact that you two were alone with each other for most of the time! You gave me a Christmas present together for God's sake! It just was never on paper… I thought it was just a fling… but I didn't know you were together since fifth year, Merlin!"

"So… you knew the whole time?"

"Well, yes and no. You see, giving a Christmas present together doesn't guarantee sex. But I was like 77 percent sure."

"We were afraid of nothing, then. He and I thought that if we told you it would traumatize you."

Harry then let out a hearty laugh, "Traumatize me? How could you? I battled Voldemort in first year!"

"Good point, you got me there…" He happily sighed in relief. Harry barging in in a rage nearly gave him a heart attack. He couldn't imagine what he'd do if Harry hated him… "Wait a minute… what are you doing here?"

He laughed again at this delayed realization, "Dumbledore said I could stay here a few days," a genuine smile played his lips, "I wanted to see you guys! Besides, I was hearing a rumor about someone's trip to the psychiatrist… although now I finally understand why. You really love him, don't you?"

Remus bit his lip, childlike, "Yes, but don't you mean, loved?"

"No, Remus, love. I'm one of those foolish people who believe that unconditional love isn't something you stop with time." He laughed at his own seriousness, "If it is, then I'm screwed for sure!" Remus smiled sadly at that.

Harry flipped through the pages of his letter, reading some, and skipping some. Suddenly he looked up, "Did my father really stop talking to you once he found out that you were…"

"For a time, yes, he did. He thought we were sick. Only until Lily persisted the issue that he become friends with us again. But he never really understood our relationship; he just pretended that we were just friends."

"Ah, that's too bad. Although, it doesn't surprise me. Not many people understood, back then. Neither do they do now, really. Only now it has become a sort of ridiculous fad… just another output for sex with no strings attached… In truth, I never liked the idea myself. But then I read what you wrote… and… it makes sense. Gays who love each other are just as genuine as strait people who love each other… I don't think a lot of people grasp that… that unconditional love is… just that! Love without condition."

"You're a very wise person, Harry."

"Nah," he said sheepishly, "I think the same way a lot of people do. I just say it out loud."

"Thank you for understanding."

"Oh, thanks is unnecessary! Understanding is the business only of the person who is trying to understand!"

"I appreciate it though," Remus whispered softly. He sat on his bed again. "The only reason we didn't tell you was that we were afraid that you wouldn't understand. I underestimated you; you're more of an adult than I thought you were."

"Bah, you're starting to sound like Dumbledore…"

"What?"

"Never-you-mind. Anyways, tell me about this psychiatrist…"

He told. He told about the old magazines, the stuffy atmosphere, the small attention span of the muggle Doctor, the suicide attempts, the prescription…

"Zodof? You didn't take it yet did you?" Harry winced.

"No," he answered, "It's right there on my desk…"

With that he took the drug off the desk and threw it in the trash. Remus got up, eyes flashing. "You don't need that stuff, Remus…"

"But, Harry… if I don't I'll…"

"Commit Suicide? Join the club! Remus, you might not believe it, but I've gone through as many troubles as you. The Dursleys took me to a muggle doctor as well, and he prescribed me this stuff. It's horrible! It's worse than cigarettes, alcohol, pot, cocaine, heroin, all those drugs mix together! It makes you feel good at first… but at the same time it doesn't… It just washes away those thoughts of suicide. It feels like your living in a cloud, your not happy but your not sad either. And once you _stop_ taking it, the pain feels so much worse, and you have to take more and more… I've heard horrible things about this stuff, once people take it, there never quite right again! I know a girl who can't produce a certain chemical in her brain anymore, because of these types of drugs! I just got off it a couple days ago. I'm not going to let you go through what I went through, Remus!"

"But, Harry, I'm in the middle of a depression, what am I supposed to do? I'm scared the wolf will go crazy! I'm scared if I don't hurt myself I'll hurt others! You don't have to deal with a monster inside of you!"

"Don't I?"

Harry's face was void of emotion, eyes harsh as a statue, "You forget so easy…"

Remus felt his heart rip out of his body, he had forgotten. Voldemort was eating Harry alive. He had much, much more of a monster to cope with inside of him. "Oh gosh, Harry," He felt his eyes well up with effeminate tears, "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have said that."

"Just trust me, alright? This stuff just makes the whole situation a lot worse for you. For some people who have depressions, yes, it does work occasionally. But you just lost your lover! What are you supposed to be? Happy?"

"No, but…" he sniffed, "Sometimes, I think that I just can't go on without him…"

Harry turned away, to the window, opening the dusty curtains and letting the bright sunlight in the foggy room. He stared into the sunny overcast, glasses reflecting the light. A couple of birds flew together in the London morning air. "You know, Remus, a lot of people think that heaven is in the clouds, and hell is inside of the earth. A bunch of rubbish if you ask me… Someone told me a very long time ago, I don't even remember who now, that the spirit of someone who dies doesn't go in the clouds, or underneath the earth… that they are inside the hearts of every person they meet. It's silly, I know, but it stuck with me since I was little. And now that Sirius is gone, I think that most of his spirit is in… you…" He pointed, simply, to Remus' heart, "so you couldn't be without him, could you?"

Remus, who had been crying for some time, let out a happy sob.

A/N: I don't know if I should stop here or not, any ideas?


End file.
